Kalamon's Car Reviews #2 - Mini Cooper

After my failed attempt at test-driving the Smart, I have decided to go the Mercedes' arch-rival's headquarters and try out the Mini. This turned out to be a really pleasant experience. Read and learn Mercedes sales people - that's how you should treat guys who can potentially leave a handsome wad of money in your bank account.

I entered the premises and was immediately greeted by a sales guy. Upon noticing my interest in the Mini (it was prominently displayed in the dealership), he offered me a test-drive right away, despite very late hour (it was something like 10 minutes before closing time). And what a test drive this was indeed - we spent something like a full hour driving in many places, including a crowded city streets, a highway, abandoned and empty road, whatever came to mind. Basically he let me try the vehicle inside and out. Kudos to this guy. If his boss is reading this: man, you should give this bloke a raise.

Ok, so what do I think about the Mini, after trying it out? Well, it is not so simple. Despite obvious flaw of not having any sort of usable backseats (you have to chop your legs off at the knees to be able to sit there), the car is pretty awesome. It has all it takes to be cool - very powerful, turbocharged engine, splendid brakes, traction control, great suspension. It handles very well and is quite fast. This is matched by the features of the interior - awesome quality of the materials as well as all sorts of gizmos and gadgets. Like the auto engine switch on/off when you stop on the lights (this is supposed to conserve fuel). Like the fact that it will play music right off the USB stick you plug into the dashboard. Like the cool (but sort of pointless) fact that you can actually change the color of the dashboard lights. Whatever you want, this car has it. The styling of the interior is flawless. It is all basically pretty awesome.

So what's wrong then? The problem I am having with this car is that is sort of feels "fake". It is as if some corporate committee at BMW had decided to create a product with a strict mission of being attractive to aging but wealthy ex-hippies. You know, the ones who would these days normally drive a BMW or a Lexus, but sort of long for the old days when they owned an old and really hopelessly crappy Mini or a VW bug, had lots of casual sex, did plenty of LSD and pot. But - they would not really want to sacrifice the comfort their current income affords them, so the real Mini is out of the question as a mode of transportation (well, I don't blame them - it is a piece of shit :)). The whole car looks like it has been designed by some overly homosexual fashion designer - like the bloke who won Project Runway. Or one of the runner-ups. I can totally envision these guys drawing the concept sketches for the Mini.

Well, this is not my crowd. I don't really remember the sixties. The nostalgia the Mini is supposed to invoke does not work on me (even though I think Led Zeppelin is the best ban Evar and Jimmy Hendrix is a minor deity). And even if I did remember the sixties - I am sorry, but manufactured coolness is not something I enjoy.

I guess I am just not old enough for this car :)

Next two installments will be devoted to the two sworn enemies - Subaru Impreza and Mitsubishi Lancer.